I’m Stuck

I have found myself in a place that feels stagnant. Now, I know that feelings aren’t facts, and that the world is always moving and nothing really stays the same, but this knowing isn’t changing this feeling. And it’s this feeling that gets me into trouble. Thought spirals, bingeing food or social media content, and avoiding people all lead toward rounds of depression and dreams of running away. I know my patterns and am trying to be proactive with how I handle life when signs of unease arise. Lucky for you, writing is a lovely balm to sooth my yearning soul.

Let the processing begin!

Let’s be really honest here, I’m feeling stuck because my 9-5 is so boring right now. I work with accountants and tax season is busy (like AHHHHH busy), but summer is a snore. There’s stuff to do, but not enough to kill 4 hours, let alone 6 or 8. I often find myself trying to look busy without actually being busy, and that shit is stressful. I’m stuck in a temperature-controlled, florescent-lit, computer-work, paper-filled office that lacks anything close to inspiring. All this environmental control is sucking the life out of me. By the time I get home I’m worn out.

Some of you may think that I just need a new job. Maybe, but that’s not my favorite option. You see, I like my job. There are only six of us in the whole place, and everyone does their job. That’s a big deal. Everyone, mostly, gets along and drama isn’t much of an issue. They allow me to have some schedule flexibility and I can bring my kiddo to work if needed. That little weirdo likes my office. They have even paid for me to learn things that are valuable to my position. Add decent pay and it seems I hit the first-world jackpot. I also I thrive in the insanity of tax season.

This is not to say that it’s perfect, nothing is. I wouldn’t be in this state of mind if it was the perfect job for me. I’m not even sure the perfect job exists; it would have to be ever-changing. I just need to figure out how to thrive in the downtime, with the quiet and the slow. I am hoping to be mostly happy while at the office, or at least comfortable. To be both available to do my job and be creative within its confines. Also, it would behoove me to get my ass outside whenever the opportunity arrives. You know, to add a little variance to the micro-climate I work in.

It seems so sterile and uptight in an office. I want little dark-filled corners, hot summer breezes, dirty toes, melting-popsicle-chaos mixed into my weeks and I’m just not incorporating enough of that. I need to add joy, silly, wild and moody into my work-life. Because that is what work is, it’s part of my life. 30+ hours every week occupying one space. If I have to become the crazy office lady to be happier, I probably ought to do it. Truth be told, I’m not far from it. I mean, have you met me? Sometimes I feel I’m just one good panic attack from living on a beach in a van. One margarita away from giving everyone the finger.

What this all boils down to is that I am wanting work to be something more than waiting for Friday or a paycheck, but to be happy enough to wait for them. I have a great opportunity coming up, that I hope to use to my advantage. The office is moving soon. If I work this right, I can create a space that doesn’t seem so dead. I’m thinking coffeeshop or the Beast’s library. Music in the background and at least one comfortable chair. Maybe a mini jungle with apothecary vibes. Accountants aren’t known for their sense of whimsy, but damnit I can try. Ooohhhh! A lava lamp! Too much? Maybe, but I’ll find out.

I guess, through all my ramblings, I’ve discovered that if I’m going to spend hours in a particular place, that space should feel like home. And if I only need to be available during the slow season, I would like the ability, and to be inspired, to pursue things that bring life to me. Small things within the confines of a business that remind me that I am. I exist and am whole. If I have to be there, I should be allowed to be me. A friendlier, more professional me, but still me. I haven’t got it all figured out, but I have a starting point, all because I chose to write out my issue and not stew in my own unhappiness.

If you have made it to the finish line with me, I thank you. I also wonder if you could do the same for yourself. Prattle on until you feel a little better and maybe find a resolution befitting your situation. It might be just what you need.

With much love,

Katie

P.S. These are the things I may do to feel less ick at work:

Create a little library, make a cozy spot, have a better chair, lamps that mimic sunlight, some soft things, music, some sort of art that gives me feels, plants, and hidden things in secret places for others to discover and be like WTF. Give myself time to draw, read, color, write, blog, breathe, go outside, eat fun food, listen to a podcast, walk, and look up “Dad” jokes and memes to send to people, print and hide in weird places for others to discover and be like WTF. Bwahahaha!